Thursday, May 03, 2007

Five Things That Will Happen to the Darwins on Their Ohio Blogging Tour

In honor of the Darwins' upcoming family road trip to Ohio, here's a top-5 list of things that will happen while they are here:
5. Darwin, unaware that Ohio has decided to adopt the draconian anti-gun legislation proposed by a deranged columnist for the Toledo Blade, mistakenly brings his cherished collection of vintage firearms along with him, and said collection is summarily confiscated during a city-wide gun sweep of Cincinnati and deposited in the newly-created local firearms "museum" to gather dust for the rest of eternity.

4. Darwin, Rick Lugari, and I spend a boy's night out at Put-In Bay, where, over several beers, we finalize plans for the 2008 Catholic Hotties Calendar. After a heated discussion, we finally come to an agreement to designate Adriana Lima as "Miss December"... and "Miss January"... and "Miss March"... and "Miss June"... and "Miss September". Of course, I think she should represent all 12 months. To commemorate Cinco de Mayo, we designate Miss Mexico as Miss May.

3. At the suggestion of Mrs. Darwin, the Minor Prophets - the team of seminarians on which her brother plays basketball - change their name to the Florida Gators and subsequently whip Ohio State in every collegiate sport in which the Buckeyes participate.

2. At an informal "Ohio Blogger Symposium" taking place in a dimly lit pub somewhere north of Columbus, Mrs. Darwin proves she can drink us all under the table. When I receive an urgent phone call that Sarah has suddenly and unexpectedly gone into labor, Mrs. Darwin - despite having exhibited her ability to consume more alcohol than the rest of us - is the only one sober enough to drive me the 2 hours back to Northern Ohio to be there for the birth of Grace Assumpta.

1. During a visit to the Creation Museum near Cincinnati, Darwin will have an epiphany - a Road to Damascus conversion - and become a fundamentalist young-earth Creationist. The catalyst for this metamorphosis will be a diarama of a small child playing with a baby dinosaur. The Darwins will change the name of their blog to "Adam Catholic", focus on the truth of Intelligent Design, and begin posting as "Adam" and "Eve".
Feel free to add your contributions in the comments.

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At 5/03/2007 9:38 AM, Blogger mrsdarwin said...

#2 looks like the most likely scenario to me. :)

At 5/03/2007 9:40 AM, Blogger Rich Leonardi said...

Hysterical, Jay. I'm sorry I'm going to miss much of the tour due to a business trip, but I do look forward to meeting the Darwins/Adams in Cincinnati.

At 5/03/2007 10:19 AM, Blogger Darwin said...

Darwin is removed by security guards when, after a stressful afternoon of trying to keep the kids under control in the creation science museum, he is found beating a large dinosaur model against the ark and shoulding, "You want essentialism? I'll give you essentialism you bloody prots!"

Security calls in a prayer squad which speaks in tongues over the disgruntled Catholic until he has enough and pretends to be 'slain in the spirit'.

At 5/03/2007 11:05 AM, Blogger Jean Heimann said...

Hilarious post! Have fun!

At 5/03/2007 12:07 PM, Blogger Rick Lugari said...

MrsDarwin is ticketed by the Chillicothe, OH police for neglecting to park the DarwinVan up on blocks in the front yard. The judge dismissed the ticket after having been impressed that MrsDarwin still had all her teeth in spite of pushing 30 yrs. old.

At 5/03/2007 2:36 PM, Blogger Fidei Defensor said...

Truth is often stranger than fiction, I can only guess what will come out of this epic trip!

At 5/03/2007 3:32 PM, Blogger mrsdarwin said...

Hey! I won't be pushing 30 until next year!

At 5/03/2007 6:51 PM, Blogger Vir Speluncae Catholicus said...

Can I be around just while #4 is being discussed?

At 5/04/2007 6:11 AM, Blogger Kiwi Nomad said...

I had thoughts that it might be nice to join you in the Creation museum and create a bit of havoc there. Until of course darwin realised the security guards might have a prayer squad. No, no, let me out. I won't hurt any more plastic dinosaurs, I promise!

At 5/04/2007 8:56 PM, Blogger Paul, just this guy, you know? said...

I am so jealous; I wish I could join you all.


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