USCCB Approves New Lenten Regulations

Very funny satire at a new site called Agnus Daily:

LOS ANGELES, CA - The United States Conference of Catholic Bishops, in anticipation of the fast approaching Lenten season, has approved modifications to the fasting regulations observed by American Catholics. These changes were developed in hopes of encouraging greater participation by the Catholic faithful.

“American culture is dynamic, and changes often.” said Bishop Norman Raymond of Jacksonville, TN, “We as a Church must adapt to these shifts in order to increase the participation of the laity.”

The modified regulations consist of the following:

1. Fasting on Ash Wednesday and Good Friday will consist of one full meal to sustain one’s strength. Two smaller meals are permitted according to one’s needs. A small dessert is also permitted to balance one’s glucose levels. Given the prudence of the person, one may consume one designer coffee beverage, and scone, in the morning of each respective fast day to prepare one’s soul for the rest of the day.

2. Catholics 14 years and older are bound to abstain from meat. Invalids, pregnant and nursing mothers, men who remain under the roof of their parents, and those who only attend Mass on Ash Wednesday, Christmas, and Easter are exempt.

3. On every Friday for the season of lent, the Western form of day time measurement will be substituted for the Jewish form. Fridays will end at sundown, ending the obligation to abstain from meat.

[More]

My Comments:
Also check out these recent "news" stories:

Atheists Flee Secular Universities for Catholic Education

Life Teen Mass Branches Into New Arenas

New Lines Drawn in Priest Debate

Relativism Injures Three

Good stuff. Reminiscent of the things we used to read at Maureen Martin's CatholicNews.org (speaking of which, who can possibly forget this one, just in time for Lent?).